Once again

I'm sitting by my lonesome. Finished a step in the right direction. Great. Who's to say I won't trip and fall on my face with the next step? My shoes ARE untied, after all. It's entirely possible. Maybe it's just impossible for me to accept that things may very well turn out in my favor. Highly unlikely. Hmmm. Paradox. I seem to be full of those lately. I'm starting to feel like my brain is one giant black hole, sinking in everything it possible can at once. Almost like I'm two years old again, but learning far more complex ideas. Processing a much more important level of detail in every possible situation. I seriously analyze every single nuance of every angle of every possibility to such minute detail it's bordering (if not already full blown) obsessive compulsive paranoia. Meat based computer:
C:\Users\Chris>Subconscious\Paranoia: run paranoia.exe
C:\Users\Chris>RMDIR C:\users\chris\conscious\day to day functioning

The thought of you turns my stomach inside out.

I hate you to an extent that words cannot quite reach. Yet on a daily basis I find myself wondering why the hell it's like this. How did we get to this point? What course of events could have possibly lead to our mutual searing hatred for each other? I wish things could've been different. I hate ducking for cover and watching my back like a fucking paranoid crack addict any time I'm in a general vicinity of a place you may go. It didn't have to be like this. You made it this way. Although I suppose it's easier to act childish for such a long period of time and spread vicious rumors and not tell full stories to save your own ass, and make me look like a bad person. You're the reason I went into exile for a year and a half, lost so much of my own time to avoid confrontation. You fucking bitch, I had at least that much common decency. To enable you to continue perpetuating your bullshit. I didn't deserve it, you spoiled fucking cunt. Although I hate you for all of the aforementioned reasons, I do have to thank you for the same. Because I'm better off for it.

Completely Baffled By The Backward Indication That An Inspired Word Will Come Across Your Tongue

I have no preference in women. I dunno, maybe I have low standards. I would like to think I have reasonable standards though. I think a majority of the women I've dated have been really good looking. Now, my girlfriend asks what my favorite hair color is on a girl. I can't answer because I really don't give a shit. What about eyes? Who cares. As long as it looks good, I like. Maybe I'm a fan of the big picture, as opposed to being a shallow picky cockhead. Maybe I'm just weird. Some people have low standards, some people have to have exactly what they're looking for. I just go with the flow. I'm not going to be with someone I can't be physically attracted to, sorry, call me shallow or whatever else have you. I won't put myself through it. I think physical attraction is a major part of a romantic relationship, because the VERY FIRST thing any human notices within something like a fraction of a second, is how aesthetically pleasing that person is. Faster than it takes to reach any sort of intellectual depth. BUT before I start rambling, the point I'm getting at is why filter and sort through people you know are attractive, just because they're not exactly what you're looking for?

An Interesting Conversation

Chris
So. I'm clean out of give a shit sauce
and i need more
/
I need a reason to care about something
anything
i need something to lose
17:14Anya
care about me! cause i'm awesome
and always save your ass.
17:14Chris
I already feel like I've lost you though
17:15Anya
whyyyy????
17:15Chris
because you're so far away and you have your school and boyfriend and what not
I need symbiosis
17:16Anya
symbiosis? in what sense?
17:16Chris
commensalism
17:17Anya
ahh. well i'm sorry i'm so far away.
17:17Chris
it's okay i'm happy for you
17:17Anya
you promise?
17:18Chris
mmhmm i would never honestly want to drag you down with me
17:18Anya
i should hope not.
17:18Chris
I wasn't joking when I said you are good at life lol
I just need to find someone as pointless as I am
17:19Anya
whyyy?
17:19Chris
I think that's the one reason I hate kim so much because she's so naive
Like.. she's got to be blind to seriously think she's not going to be fed up with me at some point because I have no real direction
I know for a fact there's way better for her
It really says a lot when someone who was in my graduating class, then failed two grades is graduated, and in college before I am
17:25Anya
who?
17:25Chris
his name is rob
17:27Anya
oh. i'm sorry babe.
have you thought about going to lakeland or something?
17:28Chris
yeah
17:29Chris
have you ever had moments where you just thought bugger all and wanted to just piss everything away? but then realized you really don't have anything to piss away, so you wouldn't have anything to show for it
and you'd just be perpetuating the same shit different day scenario you've been living the last 6 years?
17:31Anya
yes. i've had those moments. then i realize that that would make my life worthless and i don't want to be worthless.
17:31Chris
I mean.. I'm already there lol
so like I literally have NOTHING to piss away
17:31Anya
so do something with your life!!!
17:32Chris
there's really nothing for me
17:34Anya
of course there is.
one step at a time.
get your ged. and go from there.
17:34Chris
fuck steps life isn't rehab
17:35Anya
yes, it really is.
everything is steps.
17:35Chris
I don't like taking my time with anything
i like having what i want
when i want it
fuck prerequisites i don't need them
i'm just as qualified as almost anybody to do a vast majority
the only separating them from me is fucking paperwork
*vast majority of things
17:37Anya
yes, but paperwork is what makes you something in this society.
17:37Chris
we both know my take on society
I really just want to get the hell out of here
17:37Anya
you have no where to go.
17:38Chris
you noticed too, huh
17:39Anya
yes.
you're stuck. so you might as well make something of yourl ife.
*your life
17:39Chris
but why?
17:40Anya
so you aren't in the shitty position that you are in right now.
17:40Chris
the only thing that bothers me about my situation is that society is telling me what to do
it sounds so cliche
but i'm not even joking
i had a few obstacles, so to the world it looks like i'm not as good as johnny whitecollar
fucking asskiss sycophant...
17:42Anya
i know, babe. i know.
but we all have to do what we gotta do in order to do what we want to do.
17:42Chris
would it be frowned upon if i were to kill all the ass kiss fuckheads in the world?
would that be deemed socially unacceptable?
17:44Anya
no., you would also end up in jail.

Lack.

I guess that's cool, right?

Hrruummph.

I feel like I'm filling my life with pointless things. Trivial bullshit to entertain myself, distract myself from how devoid of purpose my life really is. I want to get away. Hop trains, squat, be a vagrant for a while and see if I can't find a greater appreciation for life.

Purpose

I need purpose. A meaning, goal, a reason to be alive. I have none right now. I just kind of coast along in a meaningless existence. I have nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

And when there is no hope

Eh.. Fuck it. I had some long and elaborate thought written out about love, the definition of, and the lack thereof in my life, but said the aforementioned words when I realized I was merely talking in circles.

Empty Lives Can Fill Again

it's a wheel of betrayal
it's a static emotion
it's the will to survive
with an inborn devotion
it's the courage to change
and admit your mistakes
it's the chance to make right
with the raising of stakes
it's your consciousness
and the guilt you must feel
it's the time to stand up
and take back the raw deals
because the time has come
to put folks before wealth
or you will lose your family
friends and yourself
it's the horror and terror
that you sweep out of sight
it's the blaming of others
to help you sleep at night
it's the raping and death
that lies under your smile
it's the real estate
and the cash that you pile
it's all of these things
that are causing us pain
so I'll tell to your ass "just try to change"
'cuz empty lives can fill again
yes empty lives can fill again

- Scott Sturgeon from "Empty Lives".

This man, despite outer appearance, is a genius and a godsend.

Groggy.

It's 4:23 a.m.
I'm haggard, but I can't sleep due to work. The one person I was counting on to carry me through the night has since abandoned me. My limbs are sore, my eyes are sore, my thoughts are sore. I need a cigarette. Cigarette. Cigarette. Cigarette. Controlled fire sticking out of the end of my mouth. The one thing that keeps me from tearing the heads off these trying little fleas that trespass on the delicate grounds of my sanity. I would like to know why I'm always so irritable. To trace it back and pinpoint it to one single event, or even a catalyst. I think at that point I would be less irritable having understood why I've been this way for so long.

Another Thought Bites the Dust.

It's about time I started looking for band members again. After a discussion with a close friend, I've decided music is what I really want to do above all else. Just need a way to... start. I've already decided I want to play punk/ska something along the same lines as Choking Victim. It's honestly more about self-fulfillment, and spreading a message than it is making money. I really require little to no money from it. I'm hoping things look up for that whole situation shortly after my move to Columbus. Maybe at some point I could play shows, make records e.t.c. I just need to get on a roll and not stop at all.

Misc. pictures

A few pics I've taken recently. Nothing more.

A rare moment of mental clarity.

Again, I find myself counting down the minutes, full of loathing and self-pity, until I leave for work. That's not what this is about though. Just bored. Thinking about how things could have been had I not been such a selfish prick the last two years. More worried about getting laid, and keeping beer in my belly than the important things like weeding out individuals who (to some degree I subconsciously knew) would throw a damper on me getting what I really wanted. Making quick decisions, bad decisions, any kind of decision that would not help me progress. Decisions. You know what? Fuck decisions... I really can't stand what a self-pitying loser I really am, and I do nothing about it. Day after day I bitch and piss and moan about how I wish things were different, and how I think the world owes me something, when really, what are we but a product of our own....decisions. I've made this bed, now it's time for me to either sleep in it or get a new set of fucking sheets and change it myself. I know the world doesn't owe me anything, but the world is a lot easier to deal with when you think it does. Kinda like having one giant God, that really does exist. But I don't believe in God, so my plan fails. I need to start taking responsibility for my actions. And fixing the actions I've made in the past.

Opening thoughts

Sitting at home, I'm thinking about why I bother going to work. I really have no obligation to show up other than to claim my meager bi-weekly restitution, and really what do I need that for? Material possessions, reasons to cling onto whatever scraps of society I still believe in, still have faith in. What if I were to live on a commune? Or better yet take myself completely off the grid and live in the middle of ass-fucking nowhere? Start a farm or something and grow my own food. Really reap the benefits for my work, as opposed to claiming a sheet of paper which represents my work that I can exchange for hard goods? I think this may be the start of something...

But in the meantime.... off to being a wage junkie...