Purpose

I need purpose. A meaning, goal, a reason to be alive. I have none right now. I just kind of coast along in a meaningless existence. I have nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

And when there is no hope

Eh.. Fuck it. I had some long and elaborate thought written out about love, the definition of, and the lack thereof in my life, but said the aforementioned words when I realized I was merely talking in circles.

Empty Lives Can Fill Again

it's a wheel of betrayal
it's a static emotion
it's the will to survive
with an inborn devotion
it's the courage to change
and admit your mistakes
it's the chance to make right
with the raising of stakes
it's your consciousness
and the guilt you must feel
it's the time to stand up
and take back the raw deals
because the time has come
to put folks before wealth
or you will lose your family
friends and yourself
it's the horror and terror
that you sweep out of sight
it's the blaming of others
to help you sleep at night
it's the raping and death
that lies under your smile
it's the real estate
and the cash that you pile
it's all of these things
that are causing us pain
so I'll tell to your ass "just try to change"
'cuz empty lives can fill again
yes empty lives can fill again

- Scott Sturgeon from "Empty Lives".

This man, despite outer appearance, is a genius and a godsend.

Groggy.

It's 4:23 a.m.
I'm haggard, but I can't sleep due to work. The one person I was counting on to carry me through the night has since abandoned me. My limbs are sore, my eyes are sore, my thoughts are sore. I need a cigarette. Cigarette. Cigarette. Cigarette. Controlled fire sticking out of the end of my mouth. The one thing that keeps me from tearing the heads off these trying little fleas that trespass on the delicate grounds of my sanity. I would like to know why I'm always so irritable. To trace it back and pinpoint it to one single event, or even a catalyst. I think at that point I would be less irritable having understood why I've been this way for so long.

Another Thought Bites the Dust.

It's about time I started looking for band members again. After a discussion with a close friend, I've decided music is what I really want to do above all else. Just need a way to... start. I've already decided I want to play punk/ska something along the same lines as Choking Victim. It's honestly more about self-fulfillment, and spreading a message than it is making money. I really require little to no money from it. I'm hoping things look up for that whole situation shortly after my move to Columbus. Maybe at some point I could play shows, make records e.t.c. I just need to get on a roll and not stop at all.

Misc. pictures

A few pics I've taken recently. Nothing more.

A rare moment of mental clarity.

Again, I find myself counting down the minutes, full of loathing and self-pity, until I leave for work. That's not what this is about though. Just bored. Thinking about how things could have been had I not been such a selfish prick the last two years. More worried about getting laid, and keeping beer in my belly than the important things like weeding out individuals who (to some degree I subconsciously knew) would throw a damper on me getting what I really wanted. Making quick decisions, bad decisions, any kind of decision that would not help me progress. Decisions. You know what? Fuck decisions... I really can't stand what a self-pitying loser I really am, and I do nothing about it. Day after day I bitch and piss and moan about how I wish things were different, and how I think the world owes me something, when really, what are we but a product of our own....decisions. I've made this bed, now it's time for me to either sleep in it or get a new set of fucking sheets and change it myself. I know the world doesn't owe me anything, but the world is a lot easier to deal with when you think it does. Kinda like having one giant God, that really does exist. But I don't believe in God, so my plan fails. I need to start taking responsibility for my actions. And fixing the actions I've made in the past.

Opening thoughts

Sitting at home, I'm thinking about why I bother going to work. I really have no obligation to show up other than to claim my meager bi-weekly restitution, and really what do I need that for? Material possessions, reasons to cling onto whatever scraps of society I still believe in, still have faith in. What if I were to live on a commune? Or better yet take myself completely off the grid and live in the middle of ass-fucking nowhere? Start a farm or something and grow my own food. Really reap the benefits for my work, as opposed to claiming a sheet of paper which represents my work that I can exchange for hard goods? I think this may be the start of something...

But in the meantime.... off to being a wage junkie...